I just spent hours asleep; nevertheless, every second of it was spent in confusion, and worry! Basically I had something a step below a nightmare. I kept checking my computer and TV to see if school had been cancelled due to snow. Well, sometimes it said yes, and other times it said no. Eventually it came to the point that it said that some of the schools would open two hours late and others not at all. One website said that Abingdon, EB Stanley, and Abingdon Elementary were going to be open, and the others were optional openings. Well...the county website said that only certain schools would be open and did not specify. I kept trying to find out. I decided just to go out and forget about school all together, but then I saw my Aunt, Uncle, and Cousin at the bus stop (I was in a make-shift New York and was going to take a bus to SJU). They had no idea about school, and I had to go back to my house because I left my mobile phone. I ended up at my old church where I asked my dad, who seemed not to care about the subject. They were praciticing music there, and some guy was singing "Vertigo." I am sure that is due to the fact that I was playing U2. I went out of the Church and I got in our van (which had not originally been there, but seemed to be there for me) and picked up my mom's cell phone. I did not know the number for PHHS. I decided I would call and figure out if we were going or not. I rushed home to find the number online, but my MSN was messing up and I could not close its windows and open the window for the school's number! IT WAS SO AGITATING! At about this time I woke up. I checked my computer...we were out of school.

I am ready to graduate and leave...it will be wonderful.

I dreamt last night (the night of sunday/monday) that I was having sex (or sexish stuff) with Heather. I felt really bad in my dream for cheating on Kelly. I wonder if I was in a situation to do so, would I? If I was tempted by someone, would I forget about her? Maybe I am subconsciencly thinking about the future. When I go to NY there will be plenty of people to meet and a large potential for new love interests. If I really love this girl, I know I won't let anything happen. Things are just so difficult. I have begun to question what I waant anymore...

AHH...Bambi is out on DVD. I think if I was to watch it I would cry and cry. It was my favorite movie as a little child (not a kid, but like 3 years old). I have not watched it in more than 12 to 13 years. Hmm... Nostalgia

My Girlfriend is a Sex Goddess!

During my childhood I would often wonder what the world would have been like, or would be like without me. Whether I died or simply never existed, the idea was mind-boggling. The famous Irish music group U2 wrote the song “A Day Without Me” which addresses contemplation of suicide. During the years of 2002 and 2003, my sophomore and junior years of high school, I had serious depression problems, and often considered suicide, as well as experiencing a life-changing event that nearly killed me. The possibility of a day without me was at times only a step away.

Due to a chemical imbalance and questions of my faith, friends, and abilities, I became deeply depressed. Whether it was a low grade on a test, my best friend endangering herself by drinking alcohol underage, or my simple struggle with life, it seemed that I would become more serious about the thought of suicide. For over a year, I would harm myself through self-mutilation and never allow anyone to know of it. It was my secret crime. Despite several friends noticing, I was able to keep my parents ignorant of the problem. Finally, the cutting became so severe that I could not keep it a secret from anyone. My parents took me to my doctor, I was prescribed antidepressant medication, and began psychotherapy. Life began to look up and my desire to see a world without me began to dissipate.

The summer following my tenth grade year of school, my family and I took a three-week vacation to the United Kingdom. I looked forward to the trip for months. For the first week of the vacation; however, I did not enjoy myself nearly as much as I had hoped I would. I fell to depression, but usually kept it to myself. At the close of our first week, I decided to go running. Near the house we were residing there was an eighty-foot high cliff. I had climbed upon it early in the week and enjoyed it so much that I wanted to do it again. I began to descend from the top of the crags towards the bottom. Not far from the top, I fell from the cliffs, an altitude for fifty to seventy feet, to the slops, boulders, and trees below. I laid with a broken bone, and pelvis for six hours until a local rescue team located me.

As I lay upon the ground, half conscience, and half asleep, I determined that I actually did want to live. My desire of death no longer plagued me. Also, until that moment I had questioned the existence of the Almighty God, nevertheless at that moment there was no doubt that God existed. Ultimately, my three-week vacation turned into a six week extended stay. I had two weeks to reflect in a hospital about the experience, and since then I have had nearly two years to reflect. Since the accident I have had moments of considering suicide, but they pass. After spending such a lengthy period of wondering what life would be without me, and if anyone would care, I came to realize it did not matter. I exist for a reason, and many people care for me. My family expelled nothing but love and compassion for me after the incident. When I returned home, all of my friends threw me a surprise party. I no longer wished for a day without me, nor even a second without me.

I have come to love life and all of its highs and lows. I do get distressed and discouraged at times, yet I endure. After surviving severe depression and a dire accident, I have determined that if I were not meant to exist, then I would have died. Whatever I do, I will succeed one way or another. If I lose my encouragement to continue my life, and begin to wonder whether a day without me would be a better, I listen to another U2 song; “Beautiful Day.” Even in the most desperate times, something wonderful is around the corner.

Today is the offical Winter Homecoming school. Yay... I have promised Kelly that I am going to go to the dance they have after the basketball game. The dance at fall homecoming I had also agreed to go, but ended up neglecting to go. I have to make it through the day without getting stressed out and angered by everyother person. Yesterday I became annoyed by every little thing and upset by everything else. Hmm...Shall we discuss them?

People in General: Everyone is so...yes, that is it. THey are so... I get infuriated by people it seems. Their conseravativism (and I am not just talking politics) creates in me a wish of either causing them great harm, or myself. Usually, it is the latter.

Sammi/Ali: This is Sammi mostly. Everything she SAYS annoys the mitochondria out of my brain!!! Yesterday Kelly and I were Benji and Joel from Good Charlotte, thus meaning it was only US. In Jazz Choir Sammi says 'Kelly, I have decided I am either Billy or Paul.' What?! You are not dressed up! You did not spend extra time pinning your massive hair to your head and having to wear ALL BLACK!!! (I like black, a great color, nonetheless I do not like to wear black pants and a black shirt...ick...so metal kid.) It was the MIchael and Kelly duo, not the 'oh yeah, let's include Sammi becuase she is jelous!' Perhaps I am jelous. Perhaps I want Kelly only for me and not for Sammi, but I don't feel that. Ususally I am in touch with my feelings. I like to complain about her. I like to hear Kelly complain about her. Maybe it is that she is just one of those people that aggitate me.
As for Ali, she had to say that I look 40x hotter yesterday than I usually do. When someone says something like that, it really hurts my feelings. So, I only look hot when I dress all punked out? If I am not hot as I am, then she has no right say I am ever hot. She also blew Kelly off for tonight. THey were going to do something, I do not know what; however, Ali is spending the night with the Colemen sisters. For some reason or another they dislike me. Hmm...I don't care.

AP Bio: Okay, in this sence I over reacted a bit. We were playing jepordy in class and first it was with the teams. They wanted to make it front of the class vs. the back of the class. It was simply because no one wanted to get off their fat asses and MOVE! They did not want girls v. guys or anything even more equal. They said 'It doesn't matter! Let's just play!' WEll, it mattered to me because I DID NOT want to be on a team with all of those people. Then, during the game they decide that they can pass a question.(one team gets a question, if they miss it the other team gets it) The other team decided they could pass it if they did not want it. YOU CANNOT CHANGE THE RULES DURING THE GAME! I don't care if it is poker for fun or the WTA championship, it is unfair. My team began to show more apathy. They were like 'Go ahead and let them pass it. No one will get mad on our team. It is not worth fussing about.' Or something to that degree. Perhaps it was not worth it, but I GOT ANGRY! I CARE! Okay, I will admit I hate to lose, but I don't like to change rules in the middle of the game. Where I am from (which is not really anywhere I suppose) that is called cheating. GAH!

Okay...Nice to vent a bit.

Tomorrow is the academic bowl. I must remind myself that I have to get up early and get here at seven-thirty. I just sent an email to remind myself. We got our asses kicked last year. I am hoping for a better showing this time. They asked a U2 question last year. 'He met with Pope John Paul II and is known for his famous wrap-around sunglasses. Who is this Irish rocker?' Or something like that. Of course it was Bono, and...ha, I GOT IT! This was before I was even a massive U2 fan, but mearly a frequent VH1 viewer. I miss the old VH1. They became agrivating when they began to show 'Awesomly Bad' stuff. :(

I am cold. My heart is cold. Back to today. I love Kelly. I must go to this dance and enjoy myself for her. I also must run. Anyhow...yes...dance. I am at a loss for words. What am I trying to say? Lemon?

"I feel I am slowly, slowly, slowly slipping under"

I adapted this poem from something written by kelakela.

Le Viol De Notre Bonne Vieille Terre

The world spins all in black and blue,
blinking stars and a deep violet cradle of clouds
encompass our Sorrows and stain red
with spilled Blood and rivers of tears.

Trapped here beneath the atmosphere we go
about our days and float in dreams of self-absorbed
ignorance while babies die with empty bellies
and the limbs of soldiers are blown away.

Above us God looks on in disgust as we
march on with blatant disregard,
ignoring the pleas of our fellow men.
Is this what the years have taught us?

Reckless murder in the name of a God
who cries as we soak the Earth with Blood
and rape her in the name of profit.
Destroying beauty, forbidding love.

We poison the oceans and strip forests
and kill with reckless abandon so brutally
that Blood splatters our faces, hands,
arms, and feet forever staining.

It's quiet here as I lie with the night wrapped sweetly around me.
I peacefully drift through time and space, and welcome Loneliness.
It takes me away from the pain and all I can see
are spinning nebulae of black and violet.

In sleep, all Beauty for me remains.

So you think you have felt it?
The overwhelming pain that is life
and breaks not only your body but
your fundamental soul?
You know nothing!

You know nothing of the searing feeling
of abandonment upon a foreign plain.
The morning of strangers and a broken
boy crying in fear!

You know nothing of the beaten child
who laid and slept in terror of home
and the slow journey to hell where
everyone sardonically gave him ten
seconds of love.

You know nothing of that same hell that
rejected and labeled him as defective,
broken, and shattered, and sent him
back to the factory for repair.

You know nothing of betrayal and
fear from all! Shunned, patronized,
hated, feared? Banned from
the hell that accepted him with
false love.

You know nothing of standing!
How to forget the murderous past
and put on a face of joy, strength,
and hope. You don't have to lie.

So you think you have felt it?
You know nothing!

"Until you look at yourself in the mirror and realize what is wrong with you and what you need to change within yourself, then you will always be in denial of your true self."

Some little quote I found...I kinda like it

Everyone should go and download the trailer for the new Willie Wonka moive, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. It has Johnny Depp, so do we need a reason other than that? Here is a link... http://www.apple.com/trailers/wb/charliechocolatefactory/

I have an AP BIo quiz today and I have no idea what it is about. The chapter we are on is INSANE! I cannot understand it. Thankfully I have a high average and I have some extra credit too, so I should be okay. I am going to be nervous all day.